A heavy sheet of paper is tucked, folded into thirds in a nightstand drawer. I read it exactly once, when it arrived in mail a year and a half ago.
The naïve boy in me did not see what was coming. She was busy, I was patient, and reading into situations is not my strong suit; I am a face value kind of guy.
If there are pink slips in relationships, they are actually yellow and ruled, with that thin, vertical, double red line on the left.
“She’s just a girl,” they say. “You’ll get over her.”
It is not that simple – for a fella who is okay with words, I am still unable to express the attraction, the…stuff that made this special. History has a little to do with it, so very little because I never told her then.
And you never knew
How much I really liked you
Because I never even told you
Oh, and I meant to
– The Smiths
This morning I picked up the paper by accident; it’s one of those things I’ll never be able to read again. It felt heavy, like all of my feeling, the same feeling I have missed since reading it, was sucked into the words and weigh down the page, and the emptiness inside is largely due to a lack of care.
One time I wrote a thing describing how my heart and mind work independently, never together:
“I’m not looking for any trouble here,” I say while tearing my beating heart from beneath my ribs and offering it to you.
Maybe my heart beat just once when I was born and every sound it has made since is merely an echo.